please read my story called: Across The Red Line and Back?
“In other words your not going to let me drink,smoke or let me out of your site are you?” ” Hell No!” “Damn your killing my buzz.” “BREE LOOK OUT!! Bree almost hit a little kid that ran out on the road she swerved and hit a tree. “Bree? Bree? Bree please wake up…please Cane says as he starts to cry. “Jason Jason please you got to get over here Bree and I was in a car crash.” “WHAT? are you ok? Is she?” she is unconscious.” “Ok ok I will be there in a few minutes call the police.” “Ok…Cane starts to cry again and lays down next to Bree to try and keep her warm. The ambulances came to get Bree.
Cane followed her to the hospital,waited with Jason until the doctors came out. “How is she?” Cane ask,tired of waiting for the answer.
The doctor looked down took a deep breathe and said boys I know you loved her but i’m afraid to say she died before we could operate. At this Cane and Jason both start to cry. But it was Cane that said: “Why did I Iet her drive?” “I don’t know Cane why did you?” Jason screams. And walks away, Leaving Cane standing in the middle of the waiting room sobing.Cane gets up at closing time and walks out as well. All night he tossed and turned with the last few minutes of Bree’s life in his mind.
Cane couldn’t take the loss with in a week he was additcted to drugs,came home drunk more and more and lost his job.Within
a month Cane was living outside GoodWill in a cardboard box,begging for money from strangers passing by.He had litterally cracked some people said after he saw Bree’s face in the newspaper.
As for Jason no one knows. Some say he left town.others say he killed himself or became ***. Jason was last seen The day of Bree’s death. 2 years ago today, December 23, 2003 12:00 pm right around where they crashed. No one questioned it until now. The police think Jason had something to do with her death. And that’s what i’m going to find out. The police dug up her grave yesterday to inspect the body but what they found was an empty grave And a note with Bree written in blood. and in it said My death was not an accidet, and the bar wasn’t either Bree.
i know it’s long but i have had complaints about the lengh on some other story’s so thanks and please tell me what you think.
By: Bree13
Tags: Doctors, Little Kid, Red Line
December 22nd, 2008 at 13:15
you need to break up the dialogue in the beginning, I was so confused, there was some spelling errors too.
There is also a lot of telling in the story, try to show action or events more.
I am assuming you are young, so these things will come with time and practice. Good luck and keep writing.
December 24th, 2008 at 07:32
ya that was kind of bad.
December 25th, 2008 at 13:54
The story itself isn’t bad. The problem is in how you set it up. You need to put this in paragraphs. Every time a new person speaks, you need to start a new paragarph. And when someone says something, you should follow it with - Jason said. or Bree said, so we know who’s talking.
You need to put in some description. You never mention that Cane has a phone, so when he starts shouting Jason! You have to get over here, I’m wondering where Jason is and where he came from.
Put some time into learning the mechanics - Sentence structure, paragraphs, using the same tense througout the story. Even if you write the best story in the world, a publisher won’t look at it if you can’t write a pragaraph correctly..
December 26th, 2008 at 15:57
I think it’s a good start, but it’s difficult to understand who’s point of view it is and it seems like a rough draft of the whole story PLAN. I think it’s a good story idea if you really work hard and try to make it into a real book. (and it’s not long at all) keep going though practice makes perfect!!!!!